A Reflection on Mark 9:30-37

What is the antidote to the blinding whirlwinds of selfish ambition and jealous envy? It is not simply to  reject our ambitions, passions or desires, we must daily submit these desires to the reality that the earthly fulfillment of them is not necessarily the goal.  As C.S.Lewis says in his essay The Weight of Glory  "We are far too easily pleased",  however, we are never deeply satisfied. This Sunday's readings are filled with the consequences of selfish ambition, which may temporarily please us, but in reality will blind us to our real needs.  Which explains Saint James in the second reading where he explains why we do not receive from the Lord what we ask for.  We do not know what we really need.  As I read over the Gospel for this Sunday I was thinking of another C.S. Lewis quote from the same essay. "It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us..."   But how do we strengthen and hone our ambition for this eternal joy, how do we catch sight of our hearts desire?

Mk 9:30-37

"Jesus and his disciples left from there and began a journey through Galilee, but he did not wish anyone to know about it.  He was teaching his disciples and telling them, 'The Son of Man is to be handed over to men and they will kill him, and three days after his death the Son of Man will rise.'  But they did not understand the saying and they were afraid to question him.

They came to Capernaum and, once inside the house, he began to ask them, 'What were you arguing about on the way?'  But they remained silent.  They had been discussing among themselves on the way who was the greatest.  Then he sat down, called the Twelve, and said to them, 'If anyone wishes to be first, he shall be the last of all and the servant of all.'  Taking a child, he placed it in their midst, and putting his arms around it, he said to them 'whoever receives on child such as this in my name receives me;  and whoever receives me, receives not me but the one who sent me."

Jesus instructs his disciples, they perceive in His words deep mysteries, and profound destinies, but they are afraid to go deeper with Him.  Maybe they are afraid what Jesus is predicting:  Suffering?  Death?  They do not seem to quite understand what He means by resurrection.  Even so, great ambitions and passions are stirred up.  And, as often happens in our human weakness, these passions are misunderstood, and  misdirected.  Their half-hearted understanding of the unlimited love of God leads them to apply the energy of these great stirrings in their soul to arguing about gaining earthly glory for themselves.  They have missed the higher calling of their Lord.  They have forgotten the abundant glory God has to give. They are following the ambitions in their hearts along a very horizontal trajectory, but Jesus is leading them to the heights of glory.  Than later on in the day when they had come to a place of rest , Jesus asks them "What were you arguing about on the way?"

Right here is the opportunity to depart from the earthbound path.  Do you take a moment each day to allow the Lord to speak to you, convict you and redirect you?   Do you take at least a quiet minute or two for a daily Examen? In the Gospel there is a silence that follows the Lord's question.  This feels to me like an Examen prayer;  the twelve disciples, are not perfect, not always doing things with a deep understanding of themselves or of Christ (they sound a bit like me actually)...but, unlike the wicked men in the first reading, they have the humility stop and listen to Jesus, they have opened their hearts to Him enough to allow the Lord to show them where they are transgressing and where they are violating their training.  

And there is no need to be afraid to deeply examine your motives and your desires with His help, as the disciples originally were.  The Lord will not harshly condemn all of your misdirected passions and desires; He will show you what they are for.  He will purify your vision for things that are eternal, and this will reorder your desires.  He will help you to take your focus off of yourself so you can see the least and the weakest around you and you will bear upon yourself a bit of the weight of their salvation, to weaken your selfish motives - for you can never expect any earthly compensation for this service. And with a purer vision you will see that the initial desire for greatness and glory is an inborn desire to catch the eye of the Beloved and have him smile upon you.  It sounds like such a little thing, so easily overlooked for what appears to be  glitzier and grander achievements in the here and now, and yet it is everything.  But it takes time and a willingness to listen in prayer and attune yourself to the deep stirrings of His Spirit in your soul.

In the end the ambition and desire to be the greatest is not necessarily an evil if you submit your motives to Christ's direction. It our fallen response to the longing to be approved of and enfolded into the arms of the Father.  The fulfillment of our deepest desire is to be that child wrapped in the arms of Jesus. 

Update

I don't know why, but I really think that this song is a great preparation for anyone who might feel just a little intimidated by allowing Jesus in to direct all the strength and potency of our passions to the fulfillment in the love that awaits you in the arms of Jesus.  Do not be afraid to allow Him to show you where your passions are directing you!  

Peace and Grace!  Heidi

Oh Jerusalem! Jerusalem! A Lament for Spirit Haunted Souls

Sometimes I am so disturbed by an event that I have too many thoughts to put into a straight reflection, and though I am not a trained poet ,(any constructive advice is appreciated) it is the only way to relate the emotions that I feel.  I originally wrote this  lament as an assignment for our Biblical School in Omaha. I choose to write about my disturbance over a few horrific events in 2008 and 2009, namely the horrible Von Maur shootings and the events surrounding the Boston Craigslist killings.  Two young men, created in the image and likeness of our Lord, whose moral and spiritual weakness completely undid them.  As individuals they were completely different, there corruption, however, was diabolically similar. While our  post Christian, scientific humanistic culture removes moral barriers, these young men progressed into selfishness and darkness that left their souls empty of hope. And we our stunned; we fool ourselves, by trying to remove the weapons that destroy the body, while complacently allowing these philosophies that subtly numb our yearning for transcendence and bind us to finite earthly hope.  Paving a rocky pathway to a desolation so dark that it claims you past, present and future. Destroying both body and soul! I still pray for their souls; I wish not one to go to Hell, particularly youth whose debasement was added and abetted by our toxic culture. I now add another young man to this lament!


Oh Jerusalem! Jerusalem!


My soul is sorrowful, even unto death
Take pity on our children
For we have lead them to darkness
Progressed them to the edge of Sheol;
Chaos
We despised archetypes,
Gave them platitudes, de-mythologized their world
Diminished hopes, famished souls.
God, you would be their strength!
Their beauty!
Little souls now claim their weaknesses as their identity;

In the beginning it was not so!

Exchanging glory for shame, and call it freedom;
Post Christian,
trans-gendered slavery.


My soul is sorrowful, even unto death
Our children cry for strength,
They cry for meaning,
Purpose, dignity and honor;
Courage
Deathly emptiness haunts them.
They grasp at pleasure, wealth, and fame,
Debased yearning for transcendence, hearken to the siren song of
Infamy.
We have ignored eternal truth;
We have told them to find their own truth;
Founded in philosophies that have roots in

Selfishness;

In weakness;
In darkness.


Why are we surprised when evil overtakes them?
(Let your mighty wind blow over the abyss)
Why are we surprised that they have no strength?
(Let your mighty wind blow over the abyss)
When darkness debases and seduces them?
(Let you mighty wind blow over our souls)


My soul is sorrowful, even unto death
We are bloated with hedonism
Deprived of true joy
Darkness stalks us
We lack stamina, mere phantoms we go our way
Our eyes grow dim
Why are you sleeping?
Our young men are emasculated;
seeking immortality through robbery, rape and murder!
Why has nobody told you?
Our young women are barren;
grasping at their beauty, ignorant of its meaning.
They have bought and sold you!
Empty bombast!  Slaves of corruption!
Why are you still sleeping?


My soul is sorrowful even unto death!

Within our midst kindle a blazing heart, multiply virtue
Awake Fear of the Lord
We fly to your protection in our desperation.
Let no more of our children be devoured by Leviathan,
ensnared by their own hunger;
The serpent who removes the small snares,
lures us to a bottomless pit.
Chaos!
Slaves of corruption!
Chaos!
Gratifying every desire of the flesh,
To become a rotted loincloth.
Not clinging to You!
Rotted loincloths!


In the beginning it was not so!
(Let your mighty wind blow over the abyss!)

Oh Jerusalem! Jerusalem!
(Let you might wind blow over the abyss!)
Do not fear what harms the body!
(Let the mighty wind blow over the chaotic abyss!)

Give us the strength to endure your justice!

Give us the heart to endure your mercy!

Peace and Grace,
Heidi

Summertime Shambles!

What have you done this summer?  This has been an off year for me, I have not even tried to develop a schedule for the kids, so that I can remain a little sane, and the house can at least get the minimum maintenance. I am not sure what has happened to the time, but as usual, there are many things that I wanted to accomplish that I have not - this year is even more so.

Like for instance, figure out what exactly is my vision for this blog is, or have my 11 year old finally memorize all her math facts, read the Iliad and work with my rowdy hooligans so they are completely prepared for school which is right around the corner. I did not even get my kids to the summer library program, which is the first time that has happened since ....1994.  I am plodding away, but even when I accomplish something, the stuff I have not done looms even larger, and the days are slipping away! I feel completely out of control!

This past week (is it really FRIDAY already????), I have..... read to my kids...made Miranda read to her siblings, weeded the overgrown gardens, started my 16 year old on his summer reading, looked at Facebook, email, blogs email, blogs ect, ect... had dinner ready for my husband, organized... looked at my vacation pictures, threw in a couple loads of laundry, ironed, attend daily mass...went to one daily mass (don't be impressed, I went this morning and it is the one and only daily mass I have made it to all summer). I could go on and on, but I am tired of hitting the strikethrough button.

Not that I didn't accomplishments anything, I did manage to produce a few video montages, like this one:

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!

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Clearly a work of high spiritual magnitude. Sigh....  I also did manage (barely) to remember to get that Sass Master Sophia to her community center dance class, and though I did get her hair brushed and put up, I failed to make sure that she had some shorts on under her skirt so the entire class now knows that, unbeknownst to me, she was wearing her brothers underwear.  I should be glad that she had underwear on at all, because that is not a given.

I have not only failed in quite a few of my cultural pursuits for myself and my children, but I have failed to get down and serious about my prayer journal, about my Scripture readings. Which is really frustrating, because the summers usually give me at least a little quiet time in the morning while the rest of the kids sleep in to go a little deeper. This year the baby has been up before me almost every morning, except when we were on vacation. At this point in my summer, I am beginning to feel hopeless, any effort to pray gets diffused by so many distractions, so, consequently I feel far away from the Lord. Here is where I usually give up.

My spiritual director would remind me to keep praying when I can, and, in true Ignation style, when I am beginning to feel hopeless and far away from the Lord, to pray just a wee bit more. God first, always even when I do not feel like it - especially when I don't feel like it - and most especially when it feels like I am wasting my time. Which is why, after my very distracted and interrupted morning prayer and Scripture time, I moved heaven and earth (I got 16 year old Stephen out of bed by 8am) to get to mass by myself. And what do you suppose the 1st reading was?

Isaiah 38:1When Hezekiah was mortally ill, the prophet Amoz came and said to him: "Thus says the Lord, put your house in order, for you are about to die..."

Well. that was distracting! My thought was: "I know, I know, I am drowning in disorganization,but really, I am hopeless, I can't even see how to get my rag-tag household in order!"  But the readings continued, and we heard that Hezekiah prayed to the Lord and his hopeless illness was healed by the Lord.

 And then the Gospel of Matthew:

Mt 12:1-8  Jesus was going through a field of grain on the sabbath.  His disciples were hungry and began to pick the heads of grain and eat them.  When the Pharisees saw this, they said to him, "See, your disciples are doing what is unlawful to do on the sabbath."  He said to them, "Have you not read what David did when he and his companions were hungry, how he went into the house of God and ate the bread of offering, which neither he nor his companions but only the priests could lawfully eat?  Or have you not read in the law that on the sabbath the priests serving in the temple violate that sabbath and are innocent?  I say to you something greater than the temple is here.  If you knew what this meant, I desire mercy, not sacrifice, you would not have condemned these innocent men.  For the Son of Man is Lord of the sabbath."

He is greater than my messes, He is greater than any of my successes, He is Lord of my ambitions and Lord of my desires, and He is Lord of my failures. And it is my failures that allow me to begin to see the tremendous gulf between me and the Lord; not in selfish self-conscientiousness, but with awe and reverence.  Because I am the lowly, rag-tag disciple hungering for more, and He defends me against the savvy accusers.  I am cast down so he can lift me up and I am weak enough for His glory to show through me.  If I let Him.   If I push my ego out of the way and take up His yoke, as we heard in yesterday's Gospel.  Pray that I do so, I will pray for you also. 

As I was coming back from receiving Him in the Eucharist, I felt Him ask me if I felt any better.  I said yes, I think I can take on my day, and the rest of my summer. And I will trust that He will reform it into something only He could accomplish!

Peace and Grace,

Heidi

Fourth of July with the Genzlingers at OneTrueMedia.com

We had a very blessed and wonderful Fourth of July with good friends from Montana! Even with a fireworks ban and a foiled excursion to a lake for some swimming, we had a pretty good day.  Of course it was the last day of the Fortnight for Freedom, but we continue our prayers for our country and for religious freedom!

I put it all to the tune of Matt Maher's Woke up in America, from his album the Love in Between.  The whole album is a good one!

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
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Vacation Bible School, and Encounter with Jesus

I spent a week doing the Wild Blue Bible Adventure room for our church's Sky High Vacation Bible School. The main theme was trust God and we took him up on that by throwing in a twist in that we actually put in a Jesus character (along with a Centurion character and Simon Peter ect.) And, it proved to be a much more profound encounter with God in His Word, and a lesson in how we meet Jesus in the Eucharist and every time we pray! The two days that Jesus was not physically present the kids longed to see him! And when he reappeared on the last day, they were thrilled!

It was a blessed and exhausting week, and I thank my good friends Angie and Anne because without them it could not be done! And I thank my son Stephen who helped with set decorating and played Jesus, as well as Angie's son Stephen who also helped with the sets and was our character actor extraordinaire (St.Peter, the Centurion....). Anne's daughter Claire was also stuck in a costume on day 2! Angie's daughter Emily also helped out a great deal ( the palm trees in the background have their foliage due to her artistic talents!)  In the end, no matter what....Trust God!

I know that there are some who discount this particular VBS as light weight, low on teaching and (gasp) protestant in origin.  But I say you get out of it what you put into it, and as we did in our Bible room, there is plenty of opportunities to tweak it!

Here is a video of our week, but it is only of our Bible Adventure room, there were many other stations as well!

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
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the boring Mr. Dawkins

Richard Dawkins can mock the idea of the Real Presence all he wants.  As he appears to be quite the intellectual, I am going to take his word that he has analyzed the Real Presence and has come to a conclusion.  He has chosen.  He is very clear on that.  As a Catholic Christian I can accept this choice because I believe that we are recipients of the gift of free will.  If  I choose to abandon my faith  and agree with his decision that leaves me with only one option, a very boring, lonely reality.

I personally want more than what he offers.  I beg for more.  It is kind of like listening to a story teller sharing a mystery story.  I want the creative animated speaker, not the monotone unimaginative one.  I certainly can hear the words of the monotone voice, but to be honest I find it incredibly dull and difficult to pick up the clues and stay focused on what is being said.  I typically stop listening and become self absorbed.  I'll take the speaker who pulls me into the story and engages my mind to push itself to try to figure it out.  I began to think less of myself and began to become aware of something more and intriguing.


I love the fact that I am not limited to what Dawkin's calls reality. I love the mysteries of the Eucharist.  I can't explain fully the rush I get when I think about the idea that as I am consuming the Body of Christ I am part of all those who went before me, all those who right now are participating, and all those who will participate when I am gone.  All of that!  I AM part of that Body, that Presence. AND that is just one attempt to figure it out.  God is not limited by our limited definitions of time, place, and form so imagine what is possible!  How exciting! 

 I feel sad for Mr. Dawkins as I love (desire good for the other) and know that his time here on earth is limited, as it is for all of us. He has further limited himself from some rather lively and interesting facets of thinking by declaring such a small literal view of reality. 

Jesus knew exactly what he was doing when he gave us His Body and Blood.  To consume Him (What a radically startling thought!) involves interaction of mind, body, and spirit.  If I did not do this or look at it in light of what my faith teaches my thoughts would become more focused on myself and I would forget to look for more, to see the clues revealed. It would be a rather boring thing- just eating bread.  That I would find incredibly lacking and dull.  I'll take an engaging faith with some mystery.  That is my choice and I sure find it interesting.

Unrestrained Love or Coffee Spoons? A Meditation on the Visitation

 Today is the Feast of the Visitation, when Mary goes to visit her cousin Elizabeth.  This feast is a wonderful opportunity to ponder how we encounter and respond to the movements of the Lord.  Mary hears the words of the Angel Gabriel, and she believes.  She believes and she responds, not only with her great fiat -"be it done to me according to thy word" - but also with an immediate act of charity and generosity, anticipating the needs of her cousin.  In haste Mary goes to Elizabeth, who is expecting to give birth "in her old age" to the prophet John the Baptist.  Mary holds nothing back, she responds to God immediately, and He in turn holds nothing back from her. God responds to Mary's unrestrained giving of herself with a joyous affirmation, by Elizabeth, of the unbelievable events that are occurring. Elizabeth's prophetic response to the Holy Spirit was:

"Most blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb.  And how does it happen to me that the mother of my Lord should come to me?  For the moment the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the infant in my womb leaped for joy,  Blessed are you who believed that what was spoken to you by the Lord would be fulfilled." 

Both she and Elizabeth believed and responded with the whole of their hearts!  What would happen if you and I responded to God with such generosity?  What would happen if all the passion and desire that we so easily allow to misdirect us, or, even worse, through fear we suppress, were given over to the Lord with a daily fiat? What could happen if we accepted our lowliness, our nothingness without fear and allowed the Mighty One to sweep us away in His divine love?  What  could happen if we did not fear the deep emptiness that reveals our spiritually starved souls , but feared comfort that dulls and obscures our longings until it was too late and we are too lost?  Time is running out for you and for me.  Can we respond with Mary's beautiful canticle, rejoicing in our nothingness, because it is that humility which allows the unfathomable love of God to direct our paths through this valley of tears?

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my savior. For he has looked upon his handmaid's lowliness; behold, from now on will all ages call me blessed. The Mighty One has done great things for me, and holy is his name. His mercy is from age to age to those who fear him. He has shown might with his arm, dispersed the arrogant of mind and heart. He has thrown down the rulers from their thrones; but lifted up the lowly. The hungry he has filled with good things; the rich he has sent away empty. He has helped Israel his servant remembering his mercy according to his promise to our fathers, to Abraham and to his descendants forever."

Maybe this seem like an odd diversion, but I have just re-read T.S. Eliot's poem The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.  There are various analyses of the poem, but just today I watched a YouTube video on the Holy Spirit by Father Robert Barron in which he used a quote from the poem, " I have measured out my life in coffee spoons" as an example of a life lived withholding generous love.  A life lived afraid and unresponsive to passion and desire, and Prufrock is aware that his time to act is running out. It struck me that the frustrated sense of decay, unfulfilled longings and desires that  permeates the poem speaks of a lack of the overflowing love of the Spirit of God.  A withholding of love indicates a lack of love. The stanza before has Prufrock wondering "Do I dare disturb the universe?"  Well, with the Spirit of God directing those longings, desires and passions they will not only not be suppressed, they will fearlessly pour out with love unending and disturb the universe, but in a way according to the word of God.   

Brothers and sisters:  Let love be sincere; hate what is evil, hold on to what is good; anticipate one another in showing honor.  Do not grow slack in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.  rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer.  Contribute to the needs of the holy ones, exercise hospitality.  Bless those who persecute you, do not curse them.  Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.  Have the same regard for one another; do not be haughty but associate with the lowly; do not be wise in your own estimation.  Romans 12: 9-16

 Respond to God as Mary did; disturb the universe! Not by grasping at power or by fantasizing about mighty deeds, but by the transformation of your heart and soul through the humble reception of the Word! Let the Spirit flow through you with courage and joy, anticipating the needs of others and pouring out with unrestrained love.  Do you dare disturb the universe?  Do I?  Let us pray with Mary and Elizabeth today for an unrestrained and passionate response to the Spirit!

Peace and Grace!

Heidi