God alone

How can I write this, I who crave acceptance among my peers!  And not just acceptance, but honor and adulation; I hate to even write it down because I know how lacking I am in every respect!  Not too bad at writing, but lacking in grammatical structure, spelling (thank you spell check)  and a wee bit melodramatic!  Thoughts that flit through while writing or in conversation, will misdirect my thesis often take my writing (or conversations hostage) and create confusion and lack of confidence.  My charity is weak, half-hearted and easily diverted to more selfish works.  I am not ugly, but, well, I am 42 and not blond!  I am mediocre in every sense, yet I crave recognition for being smart, talented, and beautiful inside and out. I fear recognition as much as I crave it because I do not want anyone to know just how mediocre I am. And know I will expose myself as the lazy, inconsiderate, and self obsessed person that I truly am.

I wonder how many feel this way?  How many of us are caught up in the vicious cycle of wanting to be known, but fearing exposure?  I find myself asking God how anything I do can be of any use since all thing pass through this confused and self centered mind of mine.  All my actions are over analysed, and condemned as selfish.  As far back as I remember a accusatory voice has whispered or sometimes shouted "who do you think you are?"  And this voice intrudes in all that I do, whether it is altruistic or more ambitious; and it stops me in my tracks.  I have kept a journal  for a few years off and on, but I always find it difficult to write about myself, or to write my prayers to God.  If I re read them I feel absolute shame at how pathetic I am, how desperate I am to be somebody that all who know admire.  "Who do you think you are" after all, you are too afraid to do anything of worth because of course you know how inadequate you really are, how mediocre you are.  But I so desire to be great, to do great things to be a part of a great story.

Last Sunday I published a short scripture reflection on a unknown blog that has no readers except me, but it was public so I felt exposed and naked as I hit the word publish.  I also felt energized and inspired, but the "who do you think you" are voice kept intruding! You think that you are worthy to comment on Scripture?  No.  You think that you can actually bring a reflection to completion and coherence? No.  But I want to know Jesus.  I want Him to know me.  My reflection, whether or not it made sense, described how all my misdirected desire of the past, all of my pent up and wasted passion was for Jesus.  And the gospel of last Sunday told me that He Himself will satisfy my heart's desire and He will not send me away to find satisfaction elsewhere, but in Him all desire is satisfied.  And how many more times I will have to go back to Him and eschew the accomplishments of this world, seemingly hiding in fear of failure, but more and more relying on God Alone, to know me and to direct me in Truth.  God never say's "who do you think you are", though I sometimes have to push through that thought to get past it, keeping my heart, mind and soul focused on Jeses.  That is not easy for someone as easily distracted as myself. 

So today, in reading Romans 2, I have gravitated to versus 16 ":.... God will judge people's hidden works through Christ Jesus" and 29: "......his praise is not from human beings but from God."   And He will give me my true identity and He will judge me with truth and in Him I can put my pull trust for in my weakness and insecurity He will draw forth humanity and beauty.

In all things Praise be to God!